Update Our Medicine, Update Our Rights \\ One Nation, Under Illness

Little word about keeping guns out of the hands of the “mentally ill” — I’m sorry to break the bad news, but everyone is mentally ill.

You are mentally ill.

I am mentally ill.

Our president is mentally ill.

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Capitalism Sux // I’m Angry

I work in a clothes shop in which the average price of a single item of clothing is around the £70 mark, at an estimate. I talk people into readily dropping triple-figure amounts of money on clothing which I would have to work 10 hours to afford a single item of. The brand then releases a marketing campaign inspired by the founders’ “simple life”; a life of financial security enveloped in an idyllic ~simple existence of seaside walks, expensive artisan coffee and a myriad of other stereotypical upper middle-class creature comforts. Meanwhile, the county they are selling a perfect “simple” lifestyle in has the third highest rate of street homelessness in the UK (2016 figure) and one of the highest rates of young parents, mental health issues and domestic abuse (28,200 cases reported in 2015-16).

Welcome to capitalism.

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This Is Not Just A Paperclip, This Is A Prada Paperclip // no wait, it’s just a paperclip

Has this ever happened to you?

You’re sitting at your desk, doing paperwork; you’ve spent the entire morning editing the margins, perfecting the font – none of that Arial size 10 bullshit for you, you’ve gone for deluxe fonts. Instead of a plain black font, you’ve one upped yourself and gone for dark, dark, dark, dark grey. The difference is barely noticeable but you know. Oh, boy do you know. You’ve decided to print it on the fancy paper that’s normally reserved for special events. Sure, the finance department will probably yell at you again for wasting resources and money, and apparently, the company is nearly ~broke,~ but you don’t care – this report is worth it. You are worth it.

(The report in question is the weekly update for Linda in HR but it doesn’t matter. This report is too dang valuable for stupid Linda and her stupid bangs that she won’t shut up about. Shut up Linda)

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Fuck you and your bangs Linda

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Smalt || Happiness is a Smart Salt Shaker

The other day, I was in the kitchen, wearing a classic shirt waist dress and an old school apron, chain smoking and generally looking like a discontent housewife, whilst I was cooking a big old home cooked meal for my darling husband. It was his favourite; cheeky Nandos style pot roast. Naturally, I’d never had any, because it’s important that a woman retains her figure, but he seemed to like it, so that’s the important thing.

My darling husband was late. He often arrived late, sometimes with lipstick on his collar, but he swore to me that he wasn’t having an affair so that was the end of that conversation. As I sat alone in the kitchen, with no one to keep me company but my children, I couldn’t help but glance at the salt shaker. It looked so boring. It was just a little ceramic pot with a few holes in it. I hated it. It was dull, drab, desolate, and it reminded me of the limitations of humanity.

I had no such qualms with the pepper shaker. I loved the pepper shaker.

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Pepsi Lives Matter || The Revolution Will Be Sponsored

You know the old saying that the revolution will be televised? Apparently there’ll be commercial breaks featuring misguided Pepsi adverts. And oh boy is this one a corker.

 

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Merry Christmas Have A Shitty Rock In A Shitty Bag

As the Holiday season looms upon us, we start to consider how best to show our appreciation to the ones we love in the most materialistic way possible. It’s been a tough year for everyone; icons have died, movies have been shit, on either side of the pond we’ve suffered through political fuckery. Why not show the ones you love that you care with an $85 rock in a bag.

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