We’re officially in June, and even though we’ve been busy with Boshemia magazine (available soon online and at select retailers), it’s time to talk about the elephant in the room.
I’ve started using new hair products, and nobody has noticed my impeccable curl.
JK we’re going to talk about the election. I’d rather talk about my hair too. Here we go.
Honestly I’ve been putting off election talk because it’s always so exhausting! We’ve just had to deal with the disappointment of Brexit, only for our collective eyes to turn to the State’s shocking election fuck ups. The recent French results were a relief, but good god I’m tired! But no, we’re back at it. The busses are at full swing, we’re getting campaign letters through the mail and every single UK reader of this blog (and every blog) has registered to vote. Right? Right?
After the Brexit results, parliament had a bit of a reshuffle. Tory leader David Cameron swiftly dropped the mic and moonwalked out of there as soon as he realised he was on the losing team, and what ensued was the worst, most depressing game of pass the parcel the UK has seen since your Year 2 birthday party that only eight people showed up to. Sad! Theresa May, the reanimated corpse of Margaret Thatcher with notably less charisma, ended up the “winner,” and has been PM since about June, constantly insisting that there wouldn’t be a snap election.
Theresa May is a liar.
On the 18th of April, May called for a snap general election, and suddenly the country turned upside down. We’d caught election fever – assuming that election fever and the bubonic plague present similarly. Things were looking tragic for Labour. Helmed by Jeremy Corbyn, the political Ben Kenobi, prior to the election announcement, Labour’s support figures were looking pretty dire. Plagued by infighting, neoliberalism and poor leadership, everyone was more or less resigned to a Tory landslide. Luckily for us left wing hippies, things are looking a bit more unpredictable.
First, let’s get this over with:
Is it sexist for me NOT to vote for the woman candidate?
Moving on, let’s have a look at the key players. The previous election in 2015 was all abuzz with smaller, newer parties. Suddenly UKIP and Plaid Cymru were the talk of the town. This time, people are only really focussing on two parties, Labour and the Conservatives.
Strong and Stable
Since the announcement, the Tory’s and May have been sprouting out one line that’s caught like wildfire: Strong And Stable! We’ll make our crumbling health system, the “hard Brexit,” and the impenetrable nature of the housing ladder. Strong and Stable. Which would explain why May has U turned on countless policies, including the sodding election! She has strongly and stabley changed her mind on things like Brexit and social care, and in a strong and stable manner, she showed her strength and stability by not showing up to the leaders debates. There’s a leader we can all get behind. Her policies are fairly standard right-wing; privatisation, pro-Trident, scrap free school lunches, reopen the debate about fox hunting, reduce corporation tax. What’s slightly more worrying is that the Tory’s have taken on a lot of UKIP policies, including a much stauncher anti-immigration stand. Since Brexit, the UK has had a notable spike in xenophobic behaviour and hate crimes, so that’ll definitely end well. Strike that; that’ll definitely end with strength and stability.
Nothing say’s strong and stable like a failing health system, pensioners without proper social care, and poor social mobility.
Vote of Non Confidence
Jeremy Corbyn has been heading up the Labour campaign, and much to literally everyone’s surprise, he’s doing a decent job! Yes, the shadow home secretary did forget what numbers are live on TV, and then Corbyn himself forgot what numbers are live on the radio, but numbers schmumbers! The Labour manifesto (which is fully costed) has been fairly well received, and it includes things like renationalising the railways, higher taxes for the top 5% an increase in minimum wage and plans to build more affordable housing. Obviously as a beardy British Bernie Sanders, I’m biased towards both his manifesto, and his voting record, but boy do people have it out for Jeremy.
Since his election to Labour leader, Corbyn has been hit with major media criticism from every angle. Of course there’s the typical right wing tirade against anything progressive, but everyone seems to really dislike this guy; even David Dimbleby agrees! Heck, his own party seem to have it out for him! After the Brexit results, us poor Brits had to suffer yet another election, when the Labour party passed a vote of no confidence against him, and instead of stepping down, the Labour party voted for their leader again. He won, again. But this highlighted two things
- The party is divided as fuck
- Jeremy Corbyn can’t seem to keep his party together
I haven’t seen a party this messy since your Year 2 birthday party that only 8 people showed up to. Even Owen Jones, long time Corbyn supporter, brought up some valid criticism about his referendum campaigning. That being said, the polls are closing, Corbyn is bringing the energy, and no one in the Labour Party has punched Corbyn in the face yet, so all in all, pretty good.
Now, you go vote. Obviously. Go campaign, go encourage others to vote, do everything you can to sway the undecided and disaffected.
I’m trying not to predict this election, as I’ve been wrong with every single election since the Scottish Referendum; just ask that unposted Clinton victory blog post. While the media are in a fury that Labour have narrowed the gap in polls, polls have been wrong before, so don’t get your hopes too high. I urge all the readers to vote against, the Tory’s; I’m about to start a job in the NHS, and I don’t want to see it crumble right before my eyes as less well-off patients get worse and worse due to terrible social care and general neglect by a Tory government. I don’t want to see a “hard Brexit,” where we casually alienate half of Europe and need to pay a corking severance, just because the UK’s more racist than we all thought.
Also, I really don’t want to see another think piece about how Jeremy Corbyn in unelectable.
Who knows? Knowing my track record UKIP will win.